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...I'm back.
Miss me?
SO.
I seem to be incredibly unhappy.
After sitting in space by myself for a week, I remembered why I don't keep close friends or romantic partners or any of that shit.
Because being on a team and having friends and trusting people only serves to remind me that I'm a maladjusted, socially retarded prick with a paranoia complex who, despite the fact that he has an ego the size of the planet, seems to hate himself a whole lot and is only really happy when he's alone.
Except he hates being alone too.
...
I'm so frustrated. I'm fucking miserable and I don't know what I want, nor do I know what would make things...bearable. I can't decide if I'd feel better if they just got together already or...not. But seriously...this wishy-washy flaky shit they're pulling is driving me insane. Yes. I know you fucking love him, everyone knows, so quit rubbing it in my face and just put it out in the open so I can quit dwelling on stupid "what ifs" and "could have beens" and get on with fucking my boyfriend.
I can't fucking stand it. I swear to God, if he doesn't, I will and we all know how that'll end, seeing as most conversations between her and me consist of us treating each other like shit.
Today...got to me though. Dunno why. I actually had a lot of fun for a bit. "A bit" being the key word. Usually I have thicker skin than this and I can take it. But for some reason I was just not in the mood today. I guess I have so many issues compounding right now, I didn't want to deal with them. And they're supposed to be my friends. My really good friends. Either I'm really good at driving people away or they're really good at making me feel alienated and...unwelcome. Maybe a combination of both.
This school's made me a fucking pushover.
And Ollie...what the fuck am I supposed to do about him.
I...
Do I love him? At all, really?
I'm starting to think that I'm only doing this because it's him that loves me and not the other way around. I'm taking advantage of the fact that I've never had someone care about me like he does. And right now it feels like he's the only one that does. And I'm such a goddamn attention whore, who am I to refuse. If he lets me fuck him, great. I get laid and he...
Gets used.
I don't want to hurt him, but then what am I doing right now? I can't decide what's worse. Letting this continue or coming clean...telling him what I really think about...us...or breaking it off completely.
I mean, I know I care about him. That much I'm sure of. I'm just...not positive I have the capacity to love him like he loves me. He deserves a lot better than this.
I dug up some shit on the Luigi situation but I think I'll put that in a different post so I can share it with Ollie and Rouge.
But I can do that tomorrow.
SO.
I seem to be incredibly unhappy.
After sitting in space by myself for a week, I remembered why I don't keep close friends or romantic partners or any of that shit.
Because being on a team and having friends and trusting people only serves to remind me that I'm a maladjusted, socially retarded prick with a paranoia complex who, despite the fact that he has an ego the size of the planet, seems to hate himself a whole lot and is only really happy when he's alone.
Except he hates being alone too.
...
I'm so frustrated. I'm fucking miserable and I don't know what I want, nor do I know what would make things...bearable. I can't decide if I'd feel better if they just got together already or...not. But seriously...this wishy-washy flaky shit they're pulling is driving me insane. Yes. I know you fucking love him, everyone knows, so quit rubbing it in my face and just put it out in the open so I can quit dwelling on stupid "what ifs" and "could have beens" and get on with fucking my boyfriend.
I can't fucking stand it. I swear to God, if he doesn't, I will and we all know how that'll end, seeing as most conversations between her and me consist of us treating each other like shit.
Today...got to me though. Dunno why. I actually had a lot of fun for a bit. "A bit" being the key word. Usually I have thicker skin than this and I can take it. But for some reason I was just not in the mood today. I guess I have so many issues compounding right now, I didn't want to deal with them. And they're supposed to be my friends. My really good friends. Either I'm really good at driving people away or they're really good at making me feel alienated and...unwelcome. Maybe a combination of both.
This school's made me a fucking pushover.
And Ollie...what the fuck am I supposed to do about him.
I...
Do I love him? At all, really?
I'm starting to think that I'm only doing this because it's him that loves me and not the other way around. I'm taking advantage of the fact that I've never had someone care about me like he does. And right now it feels like he's the only one that does. And I'm such a goddamn attention whore, who am I to refuse. If he lets me fuck him, great. I get laid and he...
Gets used.
I don't want to hurt him, but then what am I doing right now? I can't decide what's worse. Letting this continue or coming clean...telling him what I really think about...us...or breaking it off completely.
I mean, I know I care about him. That much I'm sure of. I'm just...not positive I have the capacity to love him like he loves me. He deserves a lot better than this.
I dug up some shit on the Luigi situation but I think I'll put that in a different post so I can share it with Ollie and Rouge.
But I can do that tomorrow.
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PRIVATE
So...I got the tapes. Want to talk sometime soon?
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[PRIVATE] The sooner the better, I think. I dug up some stuff myself. Whenever's good for you, really. [/PRIVATE]
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PRIVATE
I'm fine anytime <3 ((RP THREAD PLZ.))
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I was actually starting to enjoy the peace and quiet.
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Private
Welcome home Doug, I know you'd come back!...
I'm coming right over to your place. The small-scale G-diffuser is complete and functioning. I had to install a few parts of my own but they appear to function just as well with alien ((to him ffff)) technology.
...It IS alright if I go over there right? You're not busy are you?
...I missed you. So much.
Re: Private
I told you I would, didn't I?
Ah...sure, you can come over. Thanks for working on that for me.
...I missed you too.
Re: Private
You're not going to make this routine are you?...Please stay here as often as you can...please? Anyways...I'll be over there as soon as possible. You don't need to worry about me tripping on the stairs this time though. Honest!
Re: Private
That...depends. I keep tabs on people I'm tracking and if the opportunity arises then I have to go.
Heh...all right. I'll see you soon.
Re: Private
Re: Private
Look, just get your butt over here, okay?
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[Private, unhackable]
Did you manage to find anything else about the Chibi Robo problem with the scans?
[/Private]
Private
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homeback, Mr. Falcon!no subject
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Do I get to paint your office? 8DHave fun? Hehe~no subject
Not today, sorry.no subject
..Darn. Hehe, I'll get it one day, I swear~no subject
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...thanks. It's good to be back.
[Private to Falcon]
...
Hot chocolate was quiet without you.[[deleteeedddd]]Re: [Private to Falcon]
I had to pry him off with a crowbar.No...I'm fine. Everything went off without a hitch out there.
Re: [Private to Falcon]
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Sunglasses buddy!~ S'been a bit of a while, eh? Welcome back and all that good stuff!
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Hey there Goose. We still on for drinking sometime? I think i owe you a round, if I remember correctly.
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'Sides, I need someone to drink with who won't force me into cross-dressin'.((Strikes deleted BUT THAT WAS PROBABLY OBVIOUS |D))